i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
