At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
