doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
