I wish my penis had an off switch
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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