I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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