I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
