Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
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Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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