so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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