I heard we made out
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
