My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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