1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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