rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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