Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
