I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
