I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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