as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There's always time for handjobs
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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