Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
