I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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