If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
