cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
