they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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