the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
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He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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