I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
