I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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