My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
