Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
