half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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