I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I cut my penus on the lid.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
