he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I did not marry a roomba.
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