Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
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I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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