I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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