Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
