When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
