Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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