Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
