There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
