My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
