I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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