woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
