Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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