Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I've blown a few things in my day
I love having hate sex.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
