maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
