I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
