just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
