Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
