exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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