Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
