if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i don't like sucking hair
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so let's talk penis.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
