Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
