You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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