Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
