I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
