i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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