And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My liver just broke up with me...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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