Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
