Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
