best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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