i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
