What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
