and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
