she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
